This process spanned a period of five and a half years and whilst the physical aspects were difficult at times, the real difficulty has been both the emotional and spiritual challenges.
Infertility feels like a kind of grief that only grows stronger as time passes, for someone you haven’t even met yet, and may never get to meet. Many of the things we have learned over this time has been through going to God in pain and desperately seeking him for answers about our situation. They were not discoveries made easily but every one of them has proved to be true and has been tested in what has been for us the most difficult time of our lives. We have attempted to summarise some of the things God has taught us below:
God is better than…
· It is easy to feel like a failure without children, feeling like your life is on hold or that there is a lack of purpose but that assumes that children are the thing that gives your life meaning. Over time it was reinforced to us that God is the One who gives our life meaning. God is the goal of our lives, not children or anything else. In Genesis 15, when Abraham is concerned about not having a son, one of the things God tells him is: “I am your reward”. By His grace, we get God. He is the reward and is a far better reward than anything else we could want.
· God reminded us repeatedly over the last 5 and half years that His plan is better than ours. When God’s plan doesn’t match up with what we had planned for ourselves (which is often the case) we need to remember that His plan is better! God is good, He only gives good gifts. We might not view certain things as “good” at the time, but that is only because we don’t have all the information. From God’s eternal perspective, He is working for His glory and our good, all the time. He is more committed to what is good for us than we are!
· We know that God is able to do all things, but even if he doesn’t, He is still worthy of worship. This is a difficult lesson to learn because it is relatively easy to worship God when things are going well. God could have allowed us to conceive a child at any time over the last few years, but he didn’t. Would we still worship Him? The key issue is understanding that we are worshipping God because he is worthy of our worship, not because of what He can do for us. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are about to be thrown into the fiery furnace and they say that God is able to save them, but even if he doesn’t, they will still not bow down and worship idols. This idea of God being able to change things, but He is worthy of our worship “even if he doesn’t”, became a powerful lesson that we learned during this period.
Why is God allowing this?
At many points during our period of infertility, we would find ourselves wondering why God was allowing it to happen. Again, God used this to teach us about himself.
· God reminded us that He is in control. God opens and closes the womb. God can do whatever he wants. We felt out of control but in reality, it just showed us that we are all always out of control. Any control we think we have in our lives is an illusion. We are totally dependant on Him.
· It is easy to start thinking that God is punishing us for something by withholding children. We had to repeatedly remember the cross – that God doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve (Romans 5:8) and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). God is not punishing me because Jesus has taken the punishment I deserve.
· God’s plan for us is that we become more like Jesus. Everything is working towards that goal. Romans 8:29 says that we have been predestined to be conformed to the image of the Son. Everything God is doing is to make us more like Jesus. In John 11 we read that Jesus delayed going to Lazarus and Lazarus died. Jesus says that Lazarus’ death happened so that they/we would believe in Jesus. God sometimes delays out of love because the best thing for us is seeing more of God.
· In 2 Corinthians 15 Paul pleads with God to take away his ‘thorn in the flesh’ but instead of taking it away God says that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Gods plan for us as Christians is far bigger than comfort. His plan is that we would become more like Jesus and God uses all of the circumstances of our lives to that end.
· It is hard not knowing if God will ever answer your prayers. You know that you are supposed to have faith but I don’t think you can really know if you have faith until it is tested. Until you have to lean your whole weight on God
Community
Our lives do not take place in isolation; they take place in the context of relationships. Experiencing infertility in community was another area that God used to teach us valuable lessons.
- Watching others experience the blessing that you are desperate for is difficult but God showed us that it is pride that creates most of that difficulty. God taught us humility is rejoicing with others when they are blessed just as much as you would if it was you. Infertility is very common but because of the sensitive nature of it and the ongoing sense of vulnerability few people choose to share what is going on and, as a result, few people are really aware of the challenges and emotions faced by people suffering with infertility. This means that people can often be insensitive without meaning to be and this has been another area in which God has tried to cultivate humility in us.
· We decided early on that if someone were to ask us about this we would tell the truth and try to be open, so those of you who have ever asked us about children know that to be true. We did this not because it was easier to do it, because it wasn’t, but because we believe that is part of what it means to walk in the light. We have had a number of people who have walked this whole journey with us, who have been praying for us like they were praying for themselves and more. We have seen a greater glimpse of what true Christian community looks like in this than we ever would have otherwise. Being open with people has meant that we have closer relationships than we would have otherwise. Letting others in is hard because it means being vulnerable but we know that this is what the bible means when it tells us to carry one another’s burdens.
In summary we just want to say that God is the purpose of your life. He is the reward. He is the source of satisfaction. He is in control. He can be trusted and He is always working for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. We are grateful that he counted us worthy (because of Jesus) to show himself to us in this. There is no doubt that He carried us through. When you face difficulties please don’t simply pray that God will change your circumstances, but show you more of himself in them and make you more like Jesus through them. If you get the thing you want but you miss God then you have missed everything. Fortunately, God loves us too much to do that.
Now that God has given us the gift of children, please don’t think this is simply a testimony about God answering prayer, though it is certainly not less than that! We are not simply saying these things now because we finally have what we asked for. These things are true all the time. They were still true before God answered and they would still be true if he never answered. We have to trust God just as much now as we did before. Life with Jesus is dynamic and he is constantly at work, we want to encourage you to press in to him whatever your circumstance and discover that He is your very great reward.
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